Life as a female

When I was born, I was born with a power to melt a man’s heart and flourish it with his fatherly instincts. My mother received her best gift. My grandparents got a chance to hold a tiny human in their hands. As I grew up, I became my dad’s favorite and my mum’s best friend, my brother’s playmate and my sister’s love. This was my family and they made me feel safe.

I turned fifteen a week ago. I’ve started to draw attention of men. I wonder if they stare at me because I remind them of their daughter or their sister. No, this stare has some kind of unpleasant intentions.  ‘Are they okay with their mother, daughter, wife or their sister being looked at the same way?’, I wonder as I try dodging their stares by looking the other way and covering myself as much as I can with whatever’s in my hands.

As I step into my early twenties, I carry a lot of harsh experiences and learn these heavy lessons witnessing the sad truth of the society. Its medieval thought process and hidden constraints that bound the women race.

I admit that it is confusing at times. The sickened mentality is sometimes so subtle that it can be hidden under the mask of being cared for. But it must not be mistaken with the genuine care for our wellbeing that actually should exist.

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A letter to myself

You know you want to do great things in life. You want to be great. You want to be the best in everything but then there is this mindset that drags you down, that creates the wall between your dreams and the reality. You know yourself and you realize the goals you set for yourself is 90% achievable with little effort and 100% if you would give it everything you have. Yet, you let in to the self-doubt. You let it comfort you with its warm hand that looks soothing for the moment because you do not see that its fuel is your hard work.

You get lost in it so much that you forget to charge it and end up emptying the tank. That hand will not be able to provide you the same warmth again. Because every time you let your dreams die that comforting hand dies. But it cares about your present so he’ll call another friend of his who will also sacrifice himself for your momentarily pleasure and ignorance. Now the goals you had set looks lesser and lesser realistic with your most important resource depleting, you fail to see it leaving or just choose to close your eyes. You close your eyes for so long that it has now already boarded the train and now it cannot be stopped. Your precious time left my friend. “So what? I have more left” you might want to say but little do you realize that it is going to leave the same way as the previous one did, and the one before that and the one even before that. You have been using your lifelines, squandering them and even when you are unaware of how many you have. You could have used it better but you lived like there is no tomorrow. You are betraying your future you, the past you is crying but the present you is still the ruthless and carefree version of you. The future you is scared.

Train of thoughts

If we could just pause the time for a while, I think then I get aware of how much lazier I would be or in fact anyone with such lenience would get lazy, or would they? This could actually be a super power that could be helped to save people. If I actually had the ability to pause the time while I could move wouldn’t I be close to flash? Considering how fast he was compared to the others he could do a lot of things in the short time while I get to stop the time, this sounds like mine would be a heavier deal. But he also got to improve and enhance his speed with practice while I’ll have to stick with what was granted to me in the beginning.

Would I tell it to anyone? I don’t know. The selfish me wouldn’t want to tell that to anyone and keep using it for my personal benefit. But, I now quote Spider-Man “With great power comes great responsibilities” so with the power I would be obliged to help the people in need in the way I could. Or maybe I should train myself to be able to help people in the most efficient way. Hey! that means I get to grow just like the Flash did. But this is a hypothetical situation that will never come true so why am I wasting my time thinking about it instead of returning back to my action packed yet boring life ending this train of thoughts as I think of heading to the kitchen to eat something.

Dealing with Obsessions

I don’t know how acceptable it is to grow obsessions for things so much that you give your undivided attention to it. I am guilty of that. I have this emotional drive that gets me attached to certain stuffs. And when I get hooked to it I find it not only difficult but almost impossible to do anything else but dive into it. It is my guilty pleasure and I seem to not be able to do anything about it.

Now when I talk about giving undivided attention you may tend to imagine me being madly focused on it most of the time. I would be happy if it were that but sadly that is not the case. The undivided attention that I give to those stuffs mean I do not even give myself the time to enjoy a meal. That is where the problem is. I do not even pay attention to the food that I am eating while dealing with these.

Being the gullible person that I am, I am going to take an advice from a friend of mine and start meditating. The advice was very generic and he wasn’t aware of this problem of mine while he gave it but I think it fits in and I should try it. I just hope that it doesn’t backfire and my subconscious mind finds the meditation a new way of feasting on my already deep attachments by fueling it even more.

Anger, a disease

Each of our days is filled with different kinds of emotions. Today I want to talk about anger. Since we deal with so many people with different personalities on a daily basis, clash of opinions are unavoidable. Now different people react to different situations differently.

Sometimes we find it easier to forgive the person who has wronged us while other times we get this feeling of being crippled by anger. And that is exactly what anger does it cripples us, cripples our senses. While you may want to justify your reason for being angry let me tell you this: It is acceptable to feel angry but it is not acceptable to give in to it and let the emotion control you. You feel angry? Confront the person and tell them what you do not like about the situation or share it with a friend. Bottling it up is only going to make it worse.

Anger is a disease. But we have the option of choosing how much we want to be affected. Better control our anger instead of letting it control us.

Personally, when I am angry I normally confront that person who has made me angry. It helps me in two things : 1. know their side of the story and 2. allowing my emotions to flow so that it doesn’t get bottled up and worsens with time.

Pro tip :

Whenever you are angry if you find it hard to control just remember that IT IS KILLING OUR BRAIN CELLS. Do you really think these situations are worth letting your brain cells die for?

I just learned I had allergies and it has already taught me other new lessons:

Being the fearless, unstoppable, live-in-the-moment and most importantly careless girl that I am I developed an allergy last Friday. I do not know whether it is a good thing or bad but it got limited to my facial area. Now the worst part of it, incase you missed it, is that I HAD ALLERGIES ALL OVER MY FACE!

It was hideous and I could feel it growing every time I looked into the mirror. And since I had it on Friday I could not see the doctor before Sunday and it was getting worse every moment. When I finally saw the doctor she did not make a big deal out of it and simply listed some medicines. I love my doctor for this because her calmness was contagious. And it healed very quickly.

Now, the doctor couldn’t or didn’t point out the actual reason of my allergies so I had to take that responsibility and find it out. I am still inconclusive but I did manage to narrow it down to a list of possible reasons: direct and over exposure to the sun, touching the cat, eating too much meat and unhealthy food. The considered the first reason because only the area that was exposed to the sun was infected, second because I had touched a cat for the first time in my life and had these for the first time as well. The last because the doctor told me to keep myself away from foods that produce heat.

So I learned these from my allergies:

  • Unhealthy lifestyle eventually pays off and when it does you are not going to like it.
  • I was taking up no-junk-food-for-a-month challenge but left it at every chance I got. I was starting to think my will power is not strong. Turns out it was my half hearted commitment that was creating a problem. Because I did stop eating unhealthy food after that.
  • Health is wealth they say and yes it is because if you are bound to stay in a place due to your ill health conditions you are going to regret your carelessness.

I think we value things we have even more when they are out of our reach. It is sad. But maybe this is why there are so many ups and downs in our life. Ups- to make us happy and Downs- to make us realize how much happy we were/could have been and how thankful we must be for those moments.

 

 

Avoiding Sun:

Nature has helped me to follow my resolution of eating healthy by gifting me with an allergy! Because of this, now I am forced to eat healthy food to “keep my stomach cool”. It is all acceptable but the part that bugs me the most is that I, a meat lover, have to avoid eating meat. But, well now I can at the least be aware of my capability of actually sticking to my resolution. I will say my eat-healthy challenge started the day I had to take the medicines. And that wouldn’t really be lying. So far I am still sticking to the challenge just because I have to but even now it is really difficult. The real challenge will start when I do not need to stick to my healthy diet that the medicine I am taking now asks. Till then, the challenge will not really be a challenge.

Controlling my soul:

This has to be some sort of meditation. It requires a lot of efforts, at least at the beginning to tame your mind when all you see is people around you eating and enjoying the foods that look like heaven and you know it even tastes like heaven. It has been three days and my heart wants to give up. The conscious me is, however, thanking myself every time I say no the junk foods. It is the only thing that keeps me from giving up. And I have to be honest; the only thing keeping me from having them is this allergy that I have recently managed to get. I must have the most sensitive skin as I get a new problem with it every month or two. And when I visit my doctor she smiles at me with the look of “Well, here you are again.” It may just be in my mind but I am convinced she thinks that.

Avoiding junk foods:

It’s so difficult to avoid junk food. Especially when the people around you are so fond of visiting different places to enjoy delicacies and you are there alone trying to stop yourself from allowing it to lure you. You are there smelling the food, the taste buds are dancing asking for the food waiting for me to grab it and plunge it inside my mouth, but you have to gather your senses and stop yourself. The parts of you are fighting among each other waiting for either one to give up. You as a whole are hurt when any of these die. The soul dies when you avoid eating them and your health dies when you cannot control yourself and you go for devouring the food.

For one, the fast food are so easily available that when hungry you have no better option than opting for them : instantly prepared and tasty beyond limits.

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